I dunno what to do now...
This feeling started when I saw the the strange look of yours
You were sitting there with your brows knitted together
A frown formed
I noticed

You told me you weren't sure
You told me bout the uncomfortable feeling that was lingering about
You told me perhaps this decision was the best
At least better than your first

I nodded
I told you to think carefully
I told you to choose what ever you felt was the right choice

Then you told me with such firm eyes
Piercing through me...
You had to choose what was right for you

At that moment,
I felt myself swaying...
My real smile vanished replaced by a fake one
My laughter dimmed by that one decision of yours
But still I put on a straight face
Telling myself that your decision was right

I couldn't bring myself to tell you to stay
I didn't want to be your burden
I didn't want to pull you away from your dreams
But still I was held behind by jealousy and fear
Jealous because other friendships might blossom
Fear because our friendship might fade

I didn't speak of my true feelings
I said only but encouragements
The dark feelings inside my grew
A fake smile on the outside

I knew your decision was absolute
I didn't want to make you waver

I sat in the front seat
Avoiding your gaze
Perhaps you realized, perhaps you didn't
As you got off
I gave a faint smile and waved you off
You didn't realize did you?

My eyes clouded with tears
Blurring my vision
As I watched the traffic lights turn green
The first tear worked its way down
I felt stupid
Why was I crying?

Never have I felt that miserable before
Never had I let anyone see me crying
I wasn't good at expressing my real emotions
Nor was I good at saying goodbye with a heavy heart

I know that that's not really goodbye but still...
I fear for us
I fear for our friendship
I know nothing lasts forever but then I wanted it to...

Perhaps we have reached the cross road of life
We each have chosen the path we have in mind with a heavy heart
I stand at the cross road
to wave you off, to bid you goodbye and good luck
And then we'll go our separate ways...


And I have to learn to accept it...

Good luck, my friend.

I'm typing this with mixed emotions...

Should I or shouldn't I?

Perhaps yes, perhaps not...

I know I shouldn't let my pride get the better of me...

But I still can't do it...

Should I??

I close my eyes...

Falling into a deep deep hypnotizing sleep

Surrounding myself with vivid dreams and nightmares

I awake feeling refreshed

But that feeling still lingers about

And still the question stays unanswered...

Should I?

Perhaps it is truly time to let my pride down

And tell you I'm sorry?

But I don't think it's my fault.

Doesn't apologizing mean I'm giving up?

Doesn't it mean I'm weak?

I've never liked to apologize...

Am I being ignorant still?

Should I let my pride get in the way?

So should I?

I'm pacing back and forth in my room

repeating the same question again and again...

My lips tasting the bitterness of my heart

Should I?

A feeling of deep regret creeps onto me

A sudden sadness sweeps away my senses

These troubled feelings pain me

Like nightmares of a fevered sleep

Tell me...

Should I?




P/s: This is probably true...

Perhaps I should...

Haizzz...

But I won't say it out loud...
So if you see this... you might know?

I'm waiting...
waiting along the abandoned railway track
waiting for what, I do not know
perhaps I'm just standing there
hoping that time will take me away
far from this harsh cruel reality

I'm sitting on the platform
humming the tune of an ancient lullaby
I have long forgotten the words
only the sweet, eerie melody remains
sometimes haunting me
chilling me to the bone

I close my eyes
hypnotizing myself with my own voice
indulging myself into nightmares of the past
when I reopen my swollen eyes
I find myself staring at shadows of the past
people from another time

Strangers in long fur coats
walking, strolling, talking, staring...
none of them spared an eye for me
just staring through me, icily
As if I wasn't there
Was I?

I hear the noise of a locomotive
advancing towards the station
I see the white smoke unfolding itself from the exhaust
curling itself to form a white flag for the locomotive

The vision seemed so real
so close to the reality I had learned to hate
But everything in it was mute and numb
no one showed emotions
nor did I see any

When I rubbed my eyes
slowly, those ghostly figures disappeared
Swallowed up again by time
Was that my imagination?
Or did it really happen?
I ask myself.

And again
I'm left alone with my own fears and tears
I ask myself again...




What am I waiting for?









Comments, yes? :)

I'm seeking for my one true sanctuary,
in this numb world of black and white;
say,
why don't you join me on this quest?
:)